If You Want Something Done, Do It Yourself
by Burned Vamp
Summary: Nagi's despairing about all the 'schwartz captures aya or yohji' fanfiction. What about his little Bombay kitten? Also has lots of Ken! NagiOmi and Aya and Schu and Brad and Yohji and Farf paired with Ken.


If You Want Something Done, Do It Yourself

By: Burned

A/N: This story exits because a) I love Ken and b) most 'schwartz captures weiss' fics are centered around aya and yohji. I got this idea and it was just to great to pass up.

Pairings: Nagi/Omi, Schu/Ken, Brad/Ken, Aya(Ran)/Ken, and mentions of Farf/Ken and Yohji/Ken. Heh, you'll see.

This is AU. Let's pretend the fighting has stopped. Except that Shad will probably kill me once she finds this. One-shot. That may not stop her though. SCHU HAS A POTTY MOUTH.

* * *

Schuldig heard Nagi's mental sigh and smirked. Kid forgot himself for a moment. Which meant there was a slight possibility that whatever he was doing was infinitely more interesting than flipping through random channels on the television.

With more haste than necessary, Schuldig leapt off the couch and headed to Nagi's room.

"Oh, kami, no. You heard me," Nagi groaned.

"Too late for prayers, Nagi-kins. Tell me what's up before I torture it out of you."

Nagi sighed and pushed away from his computer, inviting Schuldig a view at what he was seeing. Schu immediately stepped in and started reading what was on the screen.

"What are these?"

"Fanfiction... stories about Weiss,"



"NANI? Who would write stories about THEM?"

"Deranged lunatics."

"WHY?"

"Ask Farf... he always gets more reviews than I do."

"Reviews?"

"Comments and criticisms. He gets more flames than anything else, makes him happy. He says flamers hurt God."

Nagi had been scrolling through a listing of stories, and clicked on what at random, to show Schu what they were like.

"BORING. What the hell were you sighing for?

Nagi knew he would regret telling him, but knew of a way to smooth it over as well. In fact... that may prove... amusing.

"My little Bombay koneko..."

"What about him?" he sneered in disgust.

"Many people, mostly yaoi female fanatics, write stories about their favorite weiss assassin kidnapped by Schwartz."

"Oooohhhh do tell."

"And it's either Abyssinian or Balinese. My little Bombay is NEVER kidnapped so that I may have my way with him."

"SO? BORING."

"So... whenever Abyssinian or Balinese are kidnapped and you and Brad have your wicked way with them, my little Bombay is nothing more than a little side note..."

"BORING."

"... in which he's always paired with Hidaka-san."

"BOR--... Siberian?"

Nagi sighed. "Hai."

"They can't actually BELIEVE that Siberian would want a wuss-bucket like prissy Tsukiyono!Ó

Nagi glared at Schuldig. He turned back to the computer and began typing.

"NOW what are you doing?"

Nagi smirked and showed him the screen. "Conducting a search for any stories with you and Hidaka-san."

"ZERO MATCHES?"

Nagi's smirked widened, then entered Siberian and Crawford into the search engine.

"EIGHT HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO? FUCKING HELL?"

Nagi practically crowed inside. This was getting funny. He quickly typed in Balinese and Siberian. Two thousand, four hundred and twenty one stories flashed across the screen.

"WHAT? BALINESE is the reason STD research facilities EXIST!"!

Time to move in for the kill. He typed 'Siberian'... and with Schuldig watching carefully over his shoulder... typed in... 'Abyssinian.'

* * *

Crawford glared at Nagi. "You WILL pay for the damages." He presented to him the repair bill for Fujimiya's porsche. "I hope it was worth it."

Nagi smirked internally. "Well, it was quite hilarious when he ran out of here screaming about how that damned red-head better keep his ... ahem... hands off of his Ken."

Crawford's eyebrow twitched. "HIS Ken?"

Nagi nodded. Crawford snatched back the bill and hauled off to find Schuldig. Oh yes, they needed to have a little talk. Nagi snickered.

"Ooooohhhh Nagi's hurting God."

"Farf? Will you beta my newest story?"

"Is it God hurting?"

"I capture Omi-kun and have my wicked way with him."

"Ooohhhh a mary sue. Those hurt God. Can I have Siberian?"

"Maybe... as a side pairing."

* * *

Omi blinked at the screen as Ken and Aya were passing. "Oh my..."

"What's up, Omi?"

"Well... there seems to be an upsurge of Schuldig/Ken fanfiction on FanStories dot net."

 

Ken snickered, Aya did not find it amusing. First his porsche, now this.

"Yeah? Like, three in all?"

Omi chuckled. "No! A whopping four!"

Ken fell down laughing. "Once Oracle finds those, I'm sure they'll be wiped just like the rest of them."

Aya growled. Ken picked himself up and rubbed himself against Aya. "C'mon, koi... let's go re-establish your masculinity and reclaim ownership of my body."

Aya continued to growl. "Baka." But he grabbed Ken and drug him up the stairs to their bedroom.

Omi sighed then squealed in delight when he found a new Nagi/Omi story by Kitten's Prodigy. "OOOHHHH Schwartz captures Bombay? Yummy! Pairings are... Nagi/Bombay and Farfarello/Siberian." Omi chuckled. But he really felt sorry for the porsche.


End file.
